| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|04:32 pm] |
|
Nothing new. That's why I haven't written. Astrid is growing like a weed. She's one now. Can you believe it? I sure don't. She's talking some now, basic words. Work at the Sil is sometimes busy, sometimes dead. Shadi quit, so I picked up his shifts again. I got an A in my econ class, but I couldn't enroll again. Not enough money. Life is just... existing now. Sometimes, I think I've cried so much that I straight cried out all the emtions I have left. Its possible. And then I hear my baby girl laugh and... I remember what I wake up for. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 3rd, 2005|07:55 pm] |
He disappeared for almost a month. He comes back. Do I kill him? No. I spent two days in bed with him.
What the hell happened to my spark? I should have been pissed. Hell. I should have killed him. Except I knew from the beginning what he did for a living. Who he worked for. and I can't... be mad at him for doing his job.
Stupid men.
Someone set a bomb in his car and it almost killed him. Broke his leg as it is. Naomi and I are sort of scared, but neither one of us are going to admit it, I think. Well. I will. I'm working less hours at the Sil, trying to stay in as much as possible with Astrid. Naomi and Duncan are helping me so I don't have to take her there when I work. With the war on, and now this - which neither one of them think is related to the war - I don't need to risk my baby's life.
I'm going to go do my homework. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2005|10:30 am] |
Life carries on. That's about all I can say. Chloe is here and its brilliant to have her around again. She's been helping with Astrid a lot. Duncan has been working a lot. We see each other when... we sleep. Naomi has some bodyguard living with us now, too. Its a full house. Naomi hates this guy and so in a very defiant act of roommate solidarty, I make sure that when Astrid wakes up crying and screaming in the middle of the night... I pace her outside of his room. Take that! I'm so passive aggressive... Oh well. It's kinda funny. Chloe is out looking for a job - I told her I'd talk to Angelin about getting her on at the Sil. I know Ange can use the help. Bodyguard man is out tailing Naomi who is out avoiding him. Astrid is sleeping. And I'm all alone! Woe is me! WOE!
No wait! Duncan's home! Holy hell! I'm going to go drag him into a conversation. No. Really. I just wanna talk to him, its been so long since we've just been able to hang out.
And I'm going to have him give me a back rub.
Hey, I'm only human and my boyfriend is hot. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2005|07:27 pm] |
Was it a mistake moving in with Duncan? It was so fast. So fast. But he's just so easy to be with. And I do like him very much. I love him, too. I'm not in love with him yet. I will be soon, I think though. Just not yet. Andrew has only been dead for eight months and I'm shacking up with my new and wonderful boyfriend. Mom called me a harlot (Do people really use that word anymore?). I know she's wrong about that, but I do still worry that I made a rash choice. I have one more month before I lose the lease on my place. Things are going good, though. Real good at home.
Econ class is kicking my ass, though. I want to quit but then my baby girl laughs or cries and I remember why I'm doing this crap. Work is going good, too. Business at the Sil has picked up a lot on the lunch shifts. Now that school is back, I guess that people need afternoon pick-me ups. Okay by me. Angelin won't let me work past 10 any more since the robbery - which is also okay by me. I stopped having nightmares at least. But it still unnerves me. Someone put a gun in my daughter's face! What the hell is wrong with people?
Duncan stopped "hunting". He works at a meat packing plant now. Its safer work. He doesn't come home all secretive and on edge. I don't worry he's going to come back injured or dead. And I hate it. He's sad now. I see it in his eyes. He doesn't pray as much either. He's not as alive in some respects as he was. He's still there, don't get me wrong. His laugh is still Duncan's laught. He plays and cares for Astrid and takes me out and I don't think he hates his job really. He's got some friends there and funny stories, but part of me thinks he really misses it. Some stuff went down a couple of weeks ago that neither he nor Angelin talked about. I'm not empathic like her. I can't devine what it was. I won't ask or push or anything. If he wants to tell me, he will. I just... I feel like I'm a huge part of this shift in him. I don't want him to resent me for it later. And I don't want him to feel like I'm his responsibility. Or Astrid is. We can take care of ourselves, but... its nice to have someone to help.
I'll have to talk to him, I guess. I know he killed some "innocents" in his last hoorah. I know it screwed him up bad. It probably would have me, too. But no one's really innocent. And innocent people die for lesser reasons all the time. Look at Andrew. No reason but God's reason. I have to believe now - have to or I'll go crazy - that everything happens for a reason. It might be shitty, but it does. Maybe those people did something that Duncan just didn't know about. Maybe the were going to in the future. Maybe one of the woman was going to give birth do the daughter that gives birth to the son that father's the Anti-Christ! If Duncan went to heaven and bonded with God for a while then anything is possible. I just wish that he'd have some faith. Or had faith again.
I'm finding mine again. I miss my Andrew a lot, but it was his time. He gave me the most beautiful little girl - the most perfect gift. She's my angel and now he's hers.
On a totally not related to my life choice and moving in with my boyfriend crisis, I wonder if the Wylies are having a girl. If they are, I should see if they want Astird's stuff. Most of it is in good shape. Obviously I'd only give them the good stuff. Its not like I'm going to be able to use it. Hard to have kids with no uterus or overies. I have to say, though, I do not miss PMS. God giveth and God taketh away. He gaveth me Astrid and he tooketh away cramps. I totally got the better end of that deal. Heh. Ah well, enough of this diversion. Econ 100 and the laws of supply and demand calleth. Oh boy.
Wait.
Maybe I hear Astrid calling. And if she's not, I'm going to pretend she is. She's cuter than market equillibriums any day. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2005|12:40 pm] |
::Duncan's video camera flipped on and rather than he, it was Thora - looking puffy eyed and rednosed. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail and she had on a pale pink, long sleeved flannel shirt - and eighty hundred blankets all around her.::
Turn thad thig off!
::His chuckle could be heard as the picture jolted away - just in time to avoid a flying pillow at his dead.::
Dug'in! I ab nod sick for your amusement. Turn id off!
::Another chuckle from the Saint and the camara fuzzed out.::
So, I'm sick. Astrid had the baby sniffles and now I have full fledged I want to die flu. Duncan thinks it's funny. I think he's a jerk. But I'm all moved in with he and Naomi. They've both been really accomidating and nice to me. I'm glad I decided to do this, I feel like I've made the right decision so far. Astrid loves to have the people doting on her and the smell from the coffee shop below puts her to sleep at night. Kids are so weird.
I went by the University and they said since class had only been going on for a couple of weeks, really, if I wanted to enroll and got the professors permission, I could...
And I did! So I'm only in one class now. Economics 100. The prof said he'd help me catch up if I didn't get it right away, but that I hadn't missed much. So I'm officially one college class towards graduation. It feels weird to be back in school again, but kind of good. It makes me proud of myself and what I can do for Astrid. I'll be able to offer her so much more with a degree. If not a job, at least self-respect. Duncan and Angelin both offered to babysit the rugger for free - which I am not above taking them up on. I might ask Tek etKylar, too. He seemed to really like kids, so it might be nice. But I don't know if he's teaching at that time or not. Who knows. This was a good decision for me, to go back to school. Now I just hope that I can stay awake tonight long enough to get there.
Because I feel like hell.
::The camera came back on in time for Duncan to duck out of the way of Thora's flying journal.:: DUG'IN! ::She sneezed six or seven times in a row and fell back against the pillows, pulling one of her blankets over her head.:: You suck. M'gonna kill you when I can breath again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2005|12:50 am] |
Almost. It was close. I even got a little nighty. But I didn't put it on. We went to bed sort of bothered. Maybe we'll finish the move on Sunday and spent Saturday in...
I need to worry about him, though. Because cops are asking after him. He might die again.
God damn.
I looked into the University. I can enroll in classes for summer. So I'll save all my money. Astrid will be proud of me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2005|04:42 pm] |
|
I called Duncan and told him yes. I'm not really sure why I told him yes. Maybe I should have told him no. I'm not moving in with him to move in with my boyfriend, though. It's the money. It's for my baby girl. I talked to Vee and she made a good point. I have two months left on my lease. So I should try it now while I still have a place to go if it gets sour. But then again, I could always wait until my lease is up... but if I move out now, I can start to save some money right away and enroll in classes at the university sooner... I thought about taking a couple of business classes. You know... I'm good with Angelin's books and fairly decent at math. I could probably get a two year degree or something pretty quick. Maybe even four years in accounting or business or something. Show Astrid that it can be done and stuff. I'd like her to be proud of her mother. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2005|03:04 pm] |
What am I doing?
Seriously. What am I doing?
Well. Right now I'm writing in my journal and watching my baby attempt to walk around her play-pen. That's an easy enough answer. But there is more to it. Duncan just kissed me goodbye. Three nights he's slept here. And last night we got brave enough to sleep in the bed. We didn't do anything, of course, but it was... well. I mean, it was kind of nice. He got up once in the middle of the night and fed the baby and he did it so... tenderly. And nervously. It was funny to watch, actually. And then he was all snuggly and I guess he's my real boyfriend now. We had the verbal confirmation talk last night. And... anyway. Last night he asked me to move in with him and Naomi. Not into his room, but one of my own. And Astrid would get her own nursery... Duncan said he'd help raise her up... and.
What am I doing even thinking about it?
Andrew has been dead for seven months and up until not so long ago Duncan was in love with Rose Wylie and Naomi quite obviously harbors some sort of feelings for him. I want to talk to her, too, before I said yes. I'm not sure she gets what a big step it'd be to live with a child. A lot of stuff has to happen... no loud music... gotta watch when she's napping... He said she wouldn't be around a night a lot, but still. Maybe I'm just scared. I just want Duncan to know it's okay if he cares about Rose still. I am going to love Andrew until I die. I just... well, God damn. Duncan is a good man. And even if he's only with me because he can't be with Rose or, hell, even Angelin, he's still with me. I wish Dakota would have understood that. Maybe... I need someone in my life. Someone who doesn't exist in only pictures. I miss my husband so much. So very much... I feel like I'm cheating on him even kissing Duncan. I feel like I'm going to go to hell for adultery, even t hough I'm a widow. No one should be a widow at twenty years old. No one should have to raise a child alone. But... I guess I'm not alone anymore, huh?
It would make so much sense to move in with Duncan right now. No rent? That'd be amazing. But... I don't know. Maybe in a couple of months. I don't want to seem like I'm using him. And I want to make sure it's going to work for a while with us, I think. It's important to me that we take this really slow. I mean... I want it to work. It seems like it's working. And I want it to work.
I wish I had someone... anyone I was close to. Besides Duncan. So I could talk about Duncan. There's Angelin but she's skitzo right now. I'm not sure what her deal is. Dakota fought with Duncan and stormed off before I could really ask. I didn't really get that whole fight last night. Dakota and Duncan hate each other, but... they're really sort of a lot a like in some ways. Both head strong... but care about a lot of people really strongly... They just do things differently. I wonder if either one of them realize them being so at ends is not helping Angelin at all. I feel sorry for her sometimes. But I wouldn't trade our lives at all. At least she's letting me open the Sil now. Which is good. I was getting a little bored with no work to do. Can't do books of a store that's never open.
I've been thinking about taking a night class at the University, maybe trying to get a degree in business or something. One class at a time. Moving in with Duncan would help me afford that... God.
Andrew... you come and you tell me what to do. I miss you. I want to know what I should do know. I want to be with someone... I want to be together with someone... and happy. I'm so confused. I'm scared and confused. This is the hardest thing I have ever done... trying to care about someone other than my husband. I haven't ever slept with a man that wasn't Andrew. But I have thought about it with Duncan... shame on me. Shame, shame, shame on me. I have to just keep calm and remember that I'm not going to be cheating. It's not wrong. It's not... It's not. I'm really scared, though. I said that all ready. God, I just need... one day at a time.
He's so damn cute, though.
Oh, shit. The baby's crying. Oh wait. She's done now. She'll be walking sooner than later, I just know it. She's a good kid. Looks so much like her daddy... sometimes that hurts. But she seems to like Duncan okay. He seems to like her. I'm not sure how much he'll like her if she's living under his roof. He really doesn't have the slightest clue about all it takes to raise a kid. But I guess I didn't either when I started. I learned. He can too, seems willing to anyway. Okay. Enough about Duncan MacNamara. I don't need to turn this book into an Ode to Duncan.
And Astrid is crying again. This time I think it's gonna stick. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 19th, 2005|10:10 am] |
So, for Christmas, Duncan got me a whole bunch of stuff and among it was a gift certificate to this book store and since I don't ever have the concentration to read... I got a blank book. Maybe I'll have the concentration to write.
Can't make an promises.
But I can try.
So.. my life is so weird, I decided. Well, just Rhydin. Why did I ever, ever, ever decide to leave the safety of my apartment? I mean, when I was a waitress at the Toxic Candy Club - the night club - at least there I could pretend that the weird looking people were just... weird looking druggie or hippie kids out for a night out and to shock their parents. But now... ever since I started working for Angelin... I've had to admit vampires were real. Zombies were real. God... I hate Rhydin. Angelin is nice, though. Not like I thought vampires were. Zombies are not nice, though. I don't like them. I did not like being locked in a cement room for three days with sleeping Vee and sleeping Tanis and restless Astrid. I don't think I'll ever like zombies. But I guess I can come to live with vampires. And new friends. Vee is really sweet, speaking of that. I sort of want to get her a gift or something. Just for being nice. I'd like to get something for the Wylies, too. Because they seem like they need it. I think I can afford it now, thanks in part also, to Duncan's Christmas gift. The man's generosity knows no bounds.
I miss Andrew. It's been seven months today since he was killed. I remember thinking that I didn't know what I was going to do without him. I'd never had a kiss from anyone else. I'd never slept with anyone else. Hell, I'd never been on a date with anyone else. He was the father of my baby. She turned three months old two days later. She'll be a year old on March 21st. And won't remember who her father was. God, it hurts so much still. Someone suggested that I put his pictures away. I almost slugged her. If Astrid can't know her daddy, at least she'll know what he looked like. He loved this little girl so much. I loved him so much.
--The paper here is sort of smeared from water marks.--
And now.. my whole life is... upside down. I like working for Angelin. It gives me a lot more time to spend with my daughter. But I think Astrid is all ready addicted to coffee just from smelling it all the time. She's so beautiful... looks just like her Irish daddy... I still don't know what I'm going to do without him. It hurts so much every day. Maybe I should turn down his pictures... but I just can't do it. I can't not see his face when I go to sleep. I can't let Astrid not see his face.
Duncan came over last night when she was fussing. It's hard to do this alone. He came home, picked her up, and before he even had time to do that bullet thing, she was quiet - staring at him - and then asleep. She tuckered herself out crying. She can tell, you know? When I'm upset. And it makes her upset. Babies are sensitive to that sort of thing, and for the most part, I can sing her quiet and pace her calm, but... last night, I was at my wits end. It's scary to be raising her alone. I wish my parents wanted to be real grandparents and not just play house. I wish Andrew had known his parents. He was foster care until he was 18, you know? Different homes and stuff. Never anything rough - he was a happy kid, which is strange for a foster kid like that, but he was an amazing man. I love him. Still. I am never ever going to forget him. And I want him back in my life right now.
It's weird. Duncan is going to take me on a dinner. A date I guess. I guess we're dating... or... ...friends. Or... I don't know what. He's really handsome and so nice to everyone around him. He reminds me a lot of Drew, actually, in that regard. I really like him, but it's hard. When he holds my hand, I feel like I'm cheating on my husband. I know Drew would not wait me to sit around and wait to die to be with him again. He would want me to be happy, to have help with Astrid... to have some fun aside from patty-cake with the baby. Which is great, don't get me wrong, but you know. It's still patty-cake. Vee was right. Just take it one day at a time and stuff. But it's hard with a baby. I don't want to get Astrid used to someone only to have him disappear out of her life. She doesn't need two men doing that.
And why? Why did he get to come back and Drew didn't? Duncan said he met God - which I don't actually doubt anymore... and got to come back. It's not fair! Duncan gets rid of evil in the world, and sure - that's a very important job. But Andrew was going to raise a baby. What's more important that being a good father? And... God. Now I lost one man I cared about without getting to say goodbye and now I want to date a man that gets shot at for a living? Am I stupid? I mean it? Have I lost my mind? I must just want to cause myself pain and heart break. But I just can't help it. He's so... attractive. Not just in his looks, but in his personality and... just he is.
One day at a time, Thora. But one romantic dinner at a fancy resturant and a free baby sitter for the evening won't hurt.
Well. Looks like I can write in here after all. Maybe getting this wasn't such a bad idea. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
thora_jensen's journal